Looking for a Partner in Brunei? (Part 2)
Yesterday's blog must have touched a raw nerve. By midnight, the number of pageloads was 468 which is the second highest for this blogsite which is normally around 300+. A number of readers came a few times to see whether more comments have been added throughout the day. It reminded me of one time when RTB News had this red little square as its background and many people commented about the rather ugly design. I asked the Chief News Editor then and he commented that it was good people are talking about it. At least they are watching the news and are paying attention to RTB news. Same here, the blog must have been a bit controversial though it wasn't meant to be but I got your attention, didn't I? I have written other topics in the past which in other countries would have lawmakers throw chairs at each other and yet barely drew one comment on this blogsite.For today, even though I am really out of my depth here but I would like to continue on yesterday's subject matter. The issue of men and women is a big issue - maybe readers would have more to say about it and I am just providing a short writeup about the whole topic as a stub as wikipedia would say.
Judging from the comments yesterday plus emails that I received, ladies seemed to be the majority of the commentators with men trying to counter towards the end. If I can summed up in one phrase all the comments yesterday is that the dice is stacked against women. One wrote about why we see plus men with women but never men with plus women; another on the difficulty for a lady to go up to men; another about age differences between men and women - men prefer younger women; one commenting on the perception that men prefers lower qualifications female partners; and another on cupids missing the arrows. Of the latter, I have a firm opinion that you have to make your own opportunities and go outside your normal circle. Cupids can only strike if you are with someone. Cupids can't strike if you are sitting down at home and your Mr. Right does not even know you exist. Later on the day when I think about it, to get two people together is the hardest bit especially when ladies are asked to play with one hand tied to the back - their handicap is the culture of not being seen as too forward and yet if they were not doing anything about it, they may find themselves left behind.
Therein lies the contradiction even within the Malay society. I would like to bring up two Malay proverbs which are contradictory to each other. One is the proverb 'perigi mencari timba' (the well looking for the bucket) and the other 'bertepuk sebelah tangan' (clapping with one hand). The former meaning that the well should not be looking for the bucket - hence in polite malay society, ladies should wait at home and wait to be asked for. The latter saying is contradicting the earlier one. One hand cannot clap alone, so therefore men and women have to somehow get together to form a union. Which do you follow?
One comment yesterday was there is no 'etiquette school' which teach you (how to approach the other side). True. Most books tend to be in English (the Mars and the Venus series is the one that come to mind). The Malay ones tend to be a bit preachy. The best I guess is to look for examples and tailor that to your situation. I looked around at my family, my friends and wonder how they actually meet each other. Sometimes I asked out of curiousity how a couple from completely different backgrounds ever meet. I have a friend who is a senior government servant and whose wife worked at the Fire and Rescure Services. They are not related but they somehow met somewhere at a picnic on a beach. The cupid took over from there.
At the end of the day, I am not out to provide a solution. I think that each situation merits its own solution. The important thing would be to trust in the Al-Mighty but at the same time, one has to make an effort somehow.
Comments
why?
becos my friends are updating their blog at a seriously slow pace.. keke..
hope u'll blog everyday :)
and uhm r u giving up on matching up the bruneians?? haha
what is so wrong about being single anyways??
Advantages of being single:
1. free to date anybody.
2. free to make any major decision.
3. u get to spend ur money on urself.
4. no obligations / responsibilities to keep the other half happy.
5. u get to be independent.
Disadvantages of being single:
1. lonely nites :)
uhm i think i better stop.. hehe gotta teach sooon....
laters.
my past relationships were with men from the same circle and it never worked out. i then decided i had enough and decided to do my postgrad and 'play around' with men.
2nd month into my course, i decided to satisfy a friend by contacting her friend (a bold move i reckon. haha.) and the rest is history.
i am now married to him and to think that if i was never bold enough to do so, i would probably still be single now.
But you see i believe whatever happened or did not happened in the past are all fate, as muslims i should not regret it but be thankful that it happened because it can either be something to cherish or ponder on or learn from. I am still single, and am involved in a complicated relationship (not as complicated as being the third person though) and my big 30 is slowly approaching, ideally i should be married now but its still not happening. Now people would see it that i am the one who's fussy or not interested of getting married...but the thing is that the desire is definitly there butd its still not happening. I will never say i want to be single forever because in islam we are encouraged to get married with the right niat of course. The way i see my issue why i am still not married is because its fate...but everyday i pray and pray that i will settle down soon for good. In other words, anything can happen and that can be pointed out as a reason for me not being married yet but as a muslim i believe all these are just "kan sebab nya orang brunei" or there maybe a reason or blessing behind it. So to all the singles who would love to settle down, sabar saja...doa saja, be nice to other people, smile, relax....insyallah jodoh will come just never give up, if you do always try to get back on track. I hope whatever i typed make sense ...i am not so good in writing english :)
'The One' - is one that person you choose to accept and has chosen to accept you for who you are, what you are and how both of you will evolve in time to come without question or regret because you made the choice. Once that choice is made, only then will love appear.
So it's not just a question of meeting people, but once you've met someone, how do you know they are 'The One'?
You can't help being choosy when it comes to someone... it's the decision of your life! I do believe that behind every tediously vindictive man, there is a broken heart that is just avenging potential women. It's human nature.
On the other hand, I can't entirely blame Bruneian Men for lacking the finesse that I crave... Being educated overseas and seeing all walks of life has broadened my mind further when it comes to finding a 'life partner'. In other words, with a rather arrogant tone... "I've seen and met better".
I am unfortunate enough to fall in love with someone when I was studying in London [he is English], and am involved in a rather complicated long distance relationship currently, but ah... life is never really fair.
Ah... Love is too complex. I'd rather stick to simple stuff like reading books, watching CSI and the Cartoon Network, and absorbing online drivel. At least it's predictable. ^_^
9 posted by 'anonymous' - same person kah??
if u r really looking for something real to happen.
1. start by being unanonymous :)
2. u should probably start blogging ur life away... u never know someone might stumble upon ur blog and fall in love with ur wisdom.. :)
3. seems like u are on the verge of giving up... being 30 aint that bad dear... i have friends who r over 30+ olredy.. they look young.. they r happy.. they do however gave up on bruneian men.. those men r mostly intimidated by their success...
so one advice...
try to dress up casually.. without the blings... hihi and do NOT wear any rings.. :) and i know this is kinda an impossible task.. pretend to be stupid and feign interest whenever they talk about their passion.. i.e cars.. gadgets.. games.. just go 'oohh..aaah.... really... wow...' haha MEN love this!
good luck :)
In my opinion, I suppose intelligent men aren't actually 'intimidated' by intelligent women... they're just scared that the latter will beat them at their own game...
With every action, there is a reaction. So why not be proactive, and get up and go? It's no use praying and wishing upon a star for a Prince Charming to come woo you away into his enchanted castle if you're busy lounging around at home all day every day...
Carpe Diem (:
There are stages in a relationship.
Stage 1: Honeymoon
- The 'makan tak kenyang, tidur tak lena, mandi tak basah' stage. Insanely-infatuated lah.
Stage 2: Disillusionment
- Where both parties realise that the other is not so perfect after all, where the flaws are becoming more obvious and increasing in number.
Stage 3: Power Struggle
- Where both parties want to change the other back to 'The One' they thought the partner was. Getting more annoyed at one another. (Personal note: this is where quite a lot of relationships die)
Stage 4: Renaissance
- This is the point where both parties start to see sense. They start to accept the other as they are, no longer trying to change their partners. (Personal note: Took me 2 years to get to this stage)
I miss a few stages, forgive me, maklum, the last time I read that article was 2 months ago.
Relevance? Acceptance is one of the secrets to long-term happiness.
My 2 cents? See through the flaws, find the unique traits and appreciate those. Jgn luan pemilih ani deh, loosen up & be more flexible. Can't always get what you want in life, bah. ;)
Never underestimate others, there is more than what meets the eye.
Don't forget the pinch of salt! Coz Miss Ummi is not a relationship expert. :p
P/S:The original comment here was too long that I wrote it in my blog instead. :D
My best advice to anyone out there feeling lonely is to take up a hobby. Like golf.
Unless of course, you email me personally, I'll send over a copy. =D
Rest assured that you are not the only ones who have gone through thinking he/she was the 'one' and ended up 'wrong'. Its just part of learning in life.
The article referred to by Akatsuki is pretty close to what most relationships are like. More or less a detailed prelude to one finding out how the 'one' can be defined as.
Many people invest time in other people expecting a return on investment. Not quite the same as investment on the financial markets. Humans are ever changing and ever evolving. Many think they find 'love' here and there. No such thing. Love is something that grows out of a relationship over an extended period of time. The terms 'falling in love'' and 'head over heels in love' are simply feelings of euphoria and heads in the cloud. Its only when these die does one find the love within a relationship and there is no 'euphoria' about it but rather sense of care and responsibility.
There are those who are in their 30s and unmarried and feel lonely. Get a kitten.. and nurture that kitten. Watch it grow and watch it learn. With it, you'll learn what it means to love. It will also teach you a thing or two about life. Maybe insyallah.
On a side note: I'm a guy. I find it strange that its the women here that are sad about being lonely. In my youth, I've had lots of heartbreaks and rejections mostly from women that wanted it all. And I wasn't alone. We were never good enough. I'm pretty sure there are a lot of guys out there in similar situations keeping quiet. PS. Is this retribution in life as in what goes around comes around?
To the ladies: There is nothing wrong in approaching a guy to say hi. This is a modern world. Do you really care what people think?
To the Anonymous who made a comment at 12:46pm and 2:56 am: when you say love takes time...i do agree, would you agree if i add in that 'Love is an endurance' ? :)
oh and do i care what people say? No i don't because its not worth it...
mm...let me comment on the "pretend to be dumb" thing. One thing folks, I am glad that I have met someone whom I don't have to pretend to be dumb. To me, intelligence is kinda sexy and attractive. I am just glad that I have met someone whom I can have an intelligent conversation with without him thinking that I am trying to challenge him in someway or the other...just an honest easy conversation wihout ending up in a argument...and he appreciates that too.
My boyfriend unfortunatly is not local, he came from across the world and of different race, color and religion and I am waaay already in my mid 30s.
I have tried my best, local men had always been my first choice but guess its just fate. If you think that maybe I am 'pemilih'? mm..I don't think so. Looks maybe?..well u should see my bf..he ain't pretty!..haha..but I still luv him. Money?.. I got those...hmmm..anyways....
Like you said Rose, local men do get intimidated by successful women...out spoken women too...or they are just easily intimidated?
Finding a boyfriend/girlfriend is easier then finding someone to marry. My fears...foreign guy?..hhmm..will my family ever approved? or better yet...help me on this Rose..how can I introduce him without giving my parent a heart attack?? hehehe....
What I read in HYS..sheeeeshh.. that scares me. Are women really label as 'cheap' when they make the first move on guys?
Opinion pole. YES or NO. What say you?
Just be thankful that life is so much better now especially with technology of chatrooms, friendsters, multiply and many more when people in Brunei are connected. Maybe just send them you are interested a 'Hi Note'
Among my friends who are happily married have been on:
1. Blind Dates
2. Parents Match Making
3. Relatives Match Making
The most important thing is I believe is
1. The support of our close ones; of family, friends and relatives to help match make.
2. Hati kitani Ikhlas. People can see right through you if you are not.
3. Look at people not just physically but look into their heart. Sometimes our gut feeling can tell us.
4. Do something. Take up a hobby. Like BR says he went night classes, social clubs etc Find out from the youth centre for info.
5. Last but not least Smile Always. Who's know someone might be attracted to your smile !
Hope that helps. I am very positive that things will turn out well insyallah cos I've heard many successful match-making stories. You could be one of them so long as you believe.
akatsuki: hehe i usually quit at stage 3. i dont know when i'll ever survive stage 3 and move on to stage 4 (scarier stage i believe...)
30single&happy: oh hello hello hehehe... i am still trying to decide which one is you haha.. as there r 4 single&happy 30+ ladies wif foreign boyfy *LOL* but if u are who i think u are.... i think ur parents will be ok with it lah babe... just dress him up nicely haha.. prep him before meeting the parentals.. but he's got enuff wit n charm to wooo ur parents.
about the poll: cant really say yes or not.. if the women can do it subtly then its ok i guess?? haha jgn plang luan forward sangat.. kana ucap desperado krg eih...
mr BR: sorry for hogging the comment space ya :)
flyboy: agony aunt huh? :) i like reading ur blog as well tho.. hehe sounds like a real happy family..
Alternatively, online dating is a very successful global phenomenon. It still has stigma but it's a good option for the modern urbanite where communities are defined more by online social networks rather than the familiar cosiness of kampung life with its established matchmaker.
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2005/02/050218125144.htm
""We found that men tend to be more committed to the online relationships than women, possibly because the anonymity of writing gives them a chance to express their emotions more readily than in real life."
But basically, be proactive with whatever you want and give people a chance.
Orwellthatendswell
Love is not an endurance.. once a person loves someone or something (e.g pet).. there is no turning back. Love does not die, it does not wither away.. a perfect example is the love of a parent for its child.. no matter what the child does to the parent/s, no parent could even end up not loving that child.. reason - love has been nurtured from birth over a extended period of time.. and even more, this love is unidirectional from the start with no expectations in return but just their happiness and well-being of the one being loved.
"When 'love' turns sour, it becomes hate.." - Where there is hate, deep inside there is love.. if there is none, there was never love in the first place...
But what i do know that young women nowaday tend to keep more then 1 guy on a short leash, not to say that they are players it's just that they want to keep their options open. Mind you guys are also no better.
What i am trying to say is that people don't trust each other thats why it is hard to meet people cause no one wants to take the risk of getting hurt.
When my long time girlfriend broke up with me i had no one to fall back on and i got hurt and hurt bad. But yet i still go on in hopes that 'the one' will be somewhere out there.
The UK for me was another chapter in my life. Feeling frustrated and unwanted, I focus all the energy to work and study hard and earn what I was suppose to get there. A degree. The first 3 years of studying there, I manage to meet up with a lot of people, and getting close with a few of them. A few Bruneians, A Malaysian, An Arab and A Chinese (All at different period of time). I was not sure what I was thinking during that time. I was not looking for a relationship after the frustrating experience back home. But in the end, those experience thus give me 'an advantage' in making my future relationship a success. But it was not an easy task although with the 'experiences'. Fourth year was my final year and was the time for me to have a relationship that can lead to marriage one day. Well it was not easy. You have to really work hard for it. Ladies do not just fall over in front of you and waited to pick up by Prince Charming.
Before I graduated, I manage to have a so called 'relationship' with her and stayed in contact with her once I got back to Brunei. (She was a Junior, so she graduated a year later). I know that I wanted to settle down with her since I thought she was the one. Of course I prayed that one day I will end up marrying her. The relationship did not take off once she graduated. I know that I gave the right signals, but she, at first, gave a mix signal. Its like 'She Like/Love Me, She Like/Love Me Not, She Like/Love Me, She Like/Love Me Not'. Probably she was still waiting for a 'better' candidate to fill 'future husband' spot. (Thats what I thought at that time anyway). During that courtship, sometime I felt like giving up. It takes another 5 years before we tied the knot. I think all the investments has paid dividends and it was worth it. So Ladies and Gentlemen, for you to achieve something in life, you have to work hard. Really hard and not give up before you enjoy the fruit of success. And of course, my adventure have not stop there. I have to work extra hard to keep my relationship a success 'till death do us apart'.
Dear BR and readers,
What an interesting blog you have…Syabas!
In my opinion, our society needs to wake up and acknowledge that there are so many single female officers in Brunei who want to get married but couldn’t find a suitable husband. Many of my friends are these female officers whom are in their 30s, have been working for 10 years or more, have high qualifications and a secure job yet couldn’t find a husband. I know that it is easy for us to say ‘you don’t need a husband to be happy’, but we really cannot justify our reasons with theirs. They want to get married. They want to have a husband. They want to have kids. They want to have that kind of happiness that married people have. And as a friend, I usually find myself feeling hopeless because I don’t know how to help them. I just don’t have the resources. These ladies that I know who want to get married, they really mean it. They really want and need a husband, but don’t know how to get one.
So don’t you think, we as a society should be accountable for wanting to help them? I know about one department’s initiatives to help finding suitable suitors for single people yet does the approach really work? I mean really, do Bruneian women go to ‘that’ office and surrender themselves by filling up forms in person? From my experience with my friends, they were just too shy and over-protective of their identity and reputation. So now I am wondering about the success rate of that department. How reliable and ‘suitable’ is the approach in our ‘oh-so-shy’ Bruneian society?
In my opinion, there should be another alternative approach to find ways to help these ladies out. I mean why can’t close friends and relatives help out? There has to be a subtle way to help these ladies. I am positive that there are good single Bruneian men out there. It is just that, these singletons need a nudge here and there with the help of a cupid. Believe me, many of the ladies are crying for help but they only usually discussed their predicaments with their close friends. Maybe due to the way our society perceives them. We usually take for granted that all these singletons will get married sooner or later. ‘Alum ada jodoh’ our usual answer for their predicament. Sigh. True. Yet, their story is that many of these ladies that I know, they don’t have a social life other than work. They usually spent the whole day working and spending the night resting or continue working. It is also not surprising that their social circle consisting mostly family and close lady friends. Don’t get me wrong, these are wonderful ladies. They have a good heart with responsibilities towards their families. Their common dilemma; pressures from families, siblings, and friends, ‘Bila kan kawin? Bah, mencari tah’. How can they? When the ladies don’t even know where to look? Or approaching men is just not the norm of these gentle ladies. So don’t you think, instead of society asking questions, ‘bila kan kawin?’ for years and years, and still no outcome, shouldn’t families be responsible to help out? Shouldn’t us as a society start realising that these ladies need a helping hand actually. Their biological clock is ticking by the minute. Although research has shown that women over 35 are twice as likely compared to those under 25 to have twins due to older women more prone to producing multiple eggs as their bodies have a ‘last gasp’ (whatever that means) to reproduce. Wallahua’lam.
I mean, let’s face it, the growing number of unmarried lady officers are increasing. Maybe they are happy with their single way of life, but we must not imply that they voluntarily want to be that way as well. We need to be aware that the population growth of a country can flourish and beneficial to the economy. These singleton officers are the country’s asset and their generation is an investment in the long run. At the end of the day, we have to remember that in Islam, marriage is a way to seek our own paradise on this earth and thereafter. Therefore, don’t you think that we as a society should help them? We all can play a role to find ‘suitable’ ways by giving chances and opportunities for the increasing number of singletons to meet up. We can’t just shrug it off because the impact is real and needs to be considered carefully. Sooner or later, this issue will be the country’s liability.
Finally, too bad, there is no more ‘kepala meja’ (ask the seniors) in our culture. Now I wonder what the young ones think of the idea. They might just think it is insane. From what I heard from granny, I think the idea is just wicked…
Regards,
Humayra.
anyways...can we just talk about weddings in brunei?From my point of view,in Brunei..Ppl have to save up for years just to be married (for orang yg family inda beduit lah).If kawin simple,people would talk bad abt it...I just hope that our and future generations would change their mindset about it cos couples get married to make a family,not increase their "hutangs" or loans and not to "nyamankan" hati orang lain..From this i guess,one of the reasons why guys and girls in Brunei are still "Single" and that they are not married yet..
So now if somebody could just enlighten me, what is the purpose of all the events that come with tying the knot i.e. berbedak, berinai, bersanding and berambil-ambilan (and I believe there are more). Perhaps Mr. BR Sir or a guest blogger could help us out?
Also, why is it such a bad thing to throw a simple, budget-friendly wedding? I figure, on a B2 salary, minus car loan, it would take say 2 years just to save up money for a 'moderate' wedding, so as to start off a marriage without hutang. I'm just thinking, what would I get out of spending B$30K or so on a wedding? Sure its a once in a lifetime experience, but I'd really much rather keep my 30k for a rainy day, invest, or fund my children's education in later life.
I've never been through a marriage, but to those who've gone through all the wedding business, didn't you pretty much mostly cherish the 'Akad Nikah' ceremony?
most of my singleton friends in Brunei are facing this dilemma as well whichever religion you are. Mostly woman or gals are afraid of this.
My conclusion are:
1. when they hit the number 30? body clock ticking? is it really that important to have a baby?
2. if ones remain single at around 30, esp man they are either: suffered from a bad relationship or dont want to commit or are battling on the side of the field. And there are loads in brunei for the latter. Thus left loads of single woman empty handed.
3. Is age gap that important? how many years apart before one feel embarrased or comfortable? reason being: if half of man population with the same age group prefer man, the others are taken or happily married, then those singleton gals would need to either look love aboard or younger. But most careered woman wont not want the latter?
4. again, finding the one is not easy as love is never easy. But if you can find one that you are comfortable with and happy with, best wishes. Expectations and dream guys' or gals' lists are just for kids. Look at your other half, if he or she your brad pitt or angelina jolie? is look tat important? personality counts a hell loads.
tat;s just my thoughts.
Hmm..well what can i say...
I'm young.. and working in one of the most Famous company in Brunei and definitely WELL PAID.
Bukan kan ambong..but everyone who meet me says im Beautiful, Pretty, Sexy,Hot, Gorgeous (hey im a mixed blood). But my problem is i cant find any suitable guys. Not that im 'pemilih', but nda terbuka hati. I used to have a bf before..whom i love so much.. i give all me heart to him.. really really love him. cinta gila mati lah... i was with him for 3 yrs plus... and suddenly in 2004 he left saying he never love me.. and that really hurts me.. really broke my heart... i feel really stupid... really like an idiot...
He got married june last yr...with 'a fren' whom i actually kenal jua. and on that day of his 'nikah' i was at work.. feeling empty... didnt even concentrate while driving...
After the broke up...guys came in and out of my life... singles and married... mostly married lah.. and i've definitle promise myself to stay away from married guys...
But recently.. i fell in love with a very very very close fren of mine.. whom is actually married.. he's been married for ages but there is problem in their marriage.. and everyone knew abt that.. it happens few mths after his marriage... they're not living together eversince.. he's here and wife in bndr.. they would meet up like once a mth.. atu pun payah²...and most of the time.. he spend with his frens here in kb.. with us... and i dunno when it happens that we suddenly have dis feelings...
It's difficult tho'..coz i will never want to be the '2nd'. im the only girl in the family and i wanna be the ONLY ONE in someone's life.. no one can make me the 2nd. i've tried to take a step backwards..away from dis relationship...but it's not easy...we see each other almost everyday... hey.. we're working under the same roof... tho' different department. as time pass... i cant stop loving him... and he cant let me go... pasal syg.. he cant let go his wife pasal syg jua...
man..im in big trouble.. there's so many single guys out there waiting for me..and i keep on turning them down (sorry for rejecting).. my heart only opens for him.. y? Y? y?... i just dont understand...
Btw, being single is actually fun..for me.. i get to go anywhere i like.. meet anyone i prefer... hangout with whoever i want to.. and spend all my salary on myself(nda pernah abis sebulan..mesti ada labih..anyone wanna help abis kan my salary? hehe)
From,
Simplegirl